Some Thins you Might not know about Tessa

1) Tessa wears boxer-briefs on more than one occasion during any given week
2) In order to become more famous, Tessa pulled a Tracy Jordan and bought the entire 9 minutes of ad space during a show dedicated entirely to her posture.
3) Tessa once scored a 1 on an entire 18 hole miniature golf course
4) Speaking of miniature golf, she was the brainchild behind the mini-golf course used in Happy Gilmore. That course is called "The Brut" and spelled with an umlaute over the "u" like that cologne.
5) Tessa once asked Michael Jordan for his autograph, but he declined, refusing to give one to a girl who wasn't wearing a shirt.
6) In the future, Tessa kills OJ Simpson and is acquitted in the most ironic criminal trial ever
7) Her favorite animal? The boar from Lord of the Flies
8) You know this one's true because I don't particularly like it about her, but Tessa was the marketing genius who invented the concept of specific sports themed advertising during prominent sporting seasons. During this March Madness, you can thank her for all the insurance companies offering their services to help you "defend against the fast break" or "score a winning bucket." Interestingly enough, she first started this concept in India during cricket season.
9) She invented using "boner" as a way to describe a huge screw up, but laughs every time she says it
10) She's built up a tolerance for the drowsiness inducing drug found in most anti-histamines

Things You Didn't Know About Blair

1. He owns a unicorn named Horny.

2. He washes himself with a lotion-covered brick.

3. He summers in his posh loft in Lady Liberty's Torch.

4. He was the original Olympian, winning an honorary award for "most winged shoes".

5. He penned the pilot episode of Perfect Strangers, and then was promptly fired for infusing the following scripts with Mypos sheepherder slurs.

6. He broke apart Pangaea into the 7 current continents just by sneezing.

7. His birth name is Thaddeus G. I. Fridays, but he owns an Applebee's.

8. He is the New Testament Source Q, which stands for Quawesome.

9. He cracked the Liberty Bell by crashing into a tree while running with it on his head.  Observers say he "looked like a drunken penis".  He does not recall this.

10. He has a closet devoted exclusively to overalls.

Alright, I got One

Two can play at this game, O'Connor.

Parietals and hard alcohol at Notre Dame.

This, to me, stands as the lamest of all complaints. How many times have you been hangin out at Notre Dame listening to someone bitch and moan about how lame parietals are and how stupid it is that they have to go off campus to pound shots of Jeager and play beer pong. They say this as if it were the martial law enacted by the third Reich during Hitler's time in Germany. Let's play a game. How many of you, by a show of hands, came to Notre Dame with either a) a complete lack of understanding and knowledge of the dorm room rules regarding alcohol and opposite-gender-visiting-hours or b) an unfailing belief that when you got there, the university would realize its error and change its ways. If the answer is either a) or b), I suppose you have the right to complain, as you clearly were blindsided by the hard line of Our Lady's school, but you're probably a dumbass because you didn't do your research on the school you were going to attend.

As for the rest of you, who fall under neither of the above catagories, shut the hell up. Honestly. These are the rules. And they've been the rules for a long time. Rumor has it, they used to be tougher. Sure, sure, maybe you don't understand them, and maybe in your infinite wisdom they're "totally fuckin gay man," but I'd be really, really hard pressed to find one of you who has talked to a member of residence life (outside of being in trouble) to gain further understanding as to why our precious alma mater enforces such strict limitations. Nope, you just probably sit there, minutes before the meeting with your rector after violating one of these policies, talking to your buddy who got caught with you about how you "shouldn't be called a bad person for wanting to have a handle of Jack under your futon." This, to me, is the dumbest of all arguements, because no one is calling you a bad person for breaking these rules, they're just calling you a rule-breaker and making you suffer the due consequences. But, that doesn't really make a good counter argument, does it, so you exaggerate the motives behind your punishment and "fight the man." Good for you, dude. Good for you.

There's gotta be a better way of determining intelligence.

Sergeant Grumbles

I'm here to complain about complaining.

At the risk of this becoming a whiny, emo blog (which actually might not be a bad idea ... they're hot right now), I've decided that it's time to take a stand against the art of negative bonding.

Let me start by saying that I'm no saint. I obviously complain. My best friends will attest to the faces I make in the mirror as my hair disagrees with my every attempt to tame it. I have aches & pains, people irritate me, I have bad days where nothing goes right. I'm not above complaining. But there is something to be said for having a little perspective.

A few examples:

"It is so cold out! This is fuckin' ridiculous."

--- Well, it IS wintertime, isn't it? I mean, you knew what you were getting yourself into when you chose to live above the Mason-Dixon line. I understand the cold is hard to bear sometimes, but a yearly occurrence doesn't exactly qualify as a surprise. Weather is always a common bond to complain about. Why can't it be a common bond to cheer about? The snow is beautiful, after all. And every guy loves a rosy-cheeked gal. Perk up. Soon it'll be summer! But I'm sure it'll be so hot that you "can't fuckin' handle it".

"I'm sooooo tired."

--- To be honest, I'm very guilty of this one. But then I think about how I was out till 5am last night, how little sleep I got, how I forgot to eat breakfast, and how I'm still in my pjs. "I'm so tired" is definitely factual, but it's also definitely mea culpa. Replace "I'm so tired" with "I take mediocre care of myself", and do it to it.

"Ugh, you're such a little brat. All you have to do for finals is write those easy papers. I have these HUGE exams to study for. Am I right[, fellow bio majors]?" (I want to note that this is obviously not in reference to every science student in the world ... I just remember hearing this a few times, and understandably so.)

--- This one used to make me feel badly until I realized how absurd it actually was. I mean, yes, as a theology major I wrote papers, and as bio majors you studied for exams. Exams are difficult, but you know what? -- so are papers. AND you could've chosen to be an arts & letters student. And I could've chosen to pursue science. Obviously our choices always come with consequences of all colors, but there's no need to rag on others for theirs. And no need to beat yourself up about it. Life is hard enough without adding comparisons to the mix.

"Donald Trump weirds me out. What a creep."

--- Well, yeah. Ok, you're right. Accusation retracted. Perspective in tact.

Fin.

(And for those who wonder where the title came from, here it is.  Great thanks to Vince Thomas for his impeccable sense of randomness.)

Six of one, zero of the other

A wise person once approached me with a very simple, yet profound question. Would you rather come from sweltering heat into a building with cool air conditioning, or would you rather arrive from the bitter cold into a building with a nice stream of warm air circulating throughout?

The answer? Obviously the second. First of all, in the debate between whether someone would like to be hot or whether that person would like to be cold, the answer should always be "cold." There's no opinion about it; no personal feeling. It's a fact: cold is better. You can always put more clothes on when you're cold, but there's only a certain amount of clothes you can take off when you're warm. And while it's equally as fun to be bundled up for cold weather as it is to be stripped down for warm weather, the best times of the year happen when it's cold outside. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter (what's that, you don't live in South Bend when it's frickin freezing for Easter?), New Years Day, St. Nick's Day. All of these are reasons why it's cold weather is awesome. And for those, like myself, who love the night, the winter months provide darkness both in the evening and in the morning, as anyone who wakes up before 10AM (Tessa excluded, that is) will find that it's still dark out.

But this is not a debate between hot vs cold. Rather, about going from hot to cold, or vice versa. But, if it's a fact that it's better to start cold (see: above), then it stands to reason that there's only one option to choose. Think about it, when you're super hot, you don't want to touch anything. You're worn out, your lazy, sluggish, even when you come inside in the A/C, the suffocating feeling of being covered in grime and sweat really pervades any decision making you have. But, when it's cold out, you want to do thinks like bundle up under covers and cuddle, drink hot chocolate and light fires and watch Grey's Anatomy with slippers on (okay, I'm doing my best to sound like a huge chick right now. I'll stop).

So, to recap, there are people who like the cold, like going into warm places after they're cold, and there are people who suck.

Manners Suck

Have you ever gone out with some snobby assed person, or perhaps your parents when you were younger, and done something that gets chided as "bad manners?" I'm talkin like, eating with the wrong fork or spoon, drinking out of the wrong glass initially, putting your napkin in the wrong spot, or talking too loud to someone too far down the table. And your mother, or your snobby assed friend, loudly asserts that what you did is "not good manners" and you should make it a practice of never doing it again. And part of you understands that good table manners don't really cost anything and you're glad you know about them, but the other part of you wants to drop kick the person that brought your gaffe to your attention.

And see, here's why manners suck. Manners, much like its predecessor Jewish Law, seems to have a bunch of arbitrary rules that, to the casual observer, really don't mean anything and should be abolished. To their credit, at one time these "laws" were put in place to help people avoid doing bad, and aide them in doing good. But, as time went on, the focus became less and less on doing good and avoiding bad, and more and more on just the laws themselves. The rules, in essence, became the end goal. You either have your napkin in the right spot, use the right silverware, drink from the correct glass, or you don't, with no regard to how or why these became "manners" to being with. And that's just not right. Manners became what they are because when they were invented, they were normative behaviors that allowed every person at a dinner table to enjoy the experience the most. So when I don't have my napkin in the right spot but it's not affecting anyone, shut the fuck up.

Now, I do make an exception, and that is to real little kids who need to learn some basic stuff like not throwing food and not immediately spitting it back up (damn 6-month-olds). But to my grown assed self, stop.

Things I don't give a shit about

Tapping my Inner Commercial Critic

I used to have a blog where I made fun of commercials. But I'll tell you that it had limited shelf life. That being said, here's a return to that part of me




You can't just "forget" to switch to DirecTV. That's like saying, "Man, the new issue of Penthouse came today but since I never went to get the mail, I'll NEVER SEE IT." No. Not true. You can get it tomorrow. It will be in the mailbox. Right where you left it.

Same with DirecTV. You can get it tomorrow. And if you forget? You're still okay, because it's always there.

I think the producers of this one were so intent on getting the guy who played Coach that they forgot to put any effort into the script.